Live Blog: Niners-Bengals

This ain't Super Bowl XVI. Or XXIII.

Alright folks, enough of the hype - it's time to finally play the NFL's marquee matchup of the day. I'm trying the live blog thing because that's what everybody else is doing...and here we go.

1st Quarter

• San Francisco's defense hasn't lost a step since last week - they're getting carved up through the air.

• Cincinnati's opening drive results in a field goal and 3-0 lead. I can't recall Alex Smith ever putting together an opening drive like Andy Dalton just did in the third game of his NFL career.

• It only takes two plays for Alex Smith to hit the turf. The 49ers' offensive line can't protect the quarterback, even when they are holding.

• And, here we are at our first 3rd-and-long situation...and Smith throws a ball to the back of Frank Gore's feet. Punt #1 coming up.
• Niners' defense makes a stop - and a nifty return by team MVP Ted Ginn is wiped out by an illegal blocking penalty. 
• There are a lot of empty seats at Paul Brown Stadium - hope Lil' Jed is noting that a brand-new stadium won't guarantee sellouts if the team is always lousy. 
• Alex Smith remembers that Vernon Davis is still on the team and lofts him a nice pass. Vernon Davis forgets that the object of the game is to advance the ball forward, but at this point, I guess that would be nit-picking... 
• 3rd-and-5...false start. The offensive line continues to shoot this team in the foot.  
• Smith's incomplete pass to Crabtree sums up his leadership of the Niners' offense...indecisive and inaccurate. I think he had passed the line of scrimmage, too.
• Even Andy Lee is having a rough start as he shanks his second punt of the game.
• A false start by the Bengals on 3rd-and-long...wow! So many similarities between these two league juggernauts.
• 1st quarter ends with the Bengals leading 3-0. I don't think I can handle three more quarters of this. Roger Goodell should be forced to watch this game with the York and Brown families without any bathroom breaks.

2nd Quarter

• The quarter opens up with Andy Dalton being chased around the pocket before tossing a pass 5 yards shy of the first down. Again, the similarities between these two heavyweight offenses are staggering.
• The ball bounces off Vernon Davis' chest...
• Nobody can burn timeouts early in the game like the Niners can. 
• If you follow @CLEATUSonFOX, you are my enemy.
• Another 3rd down passing situation - and Alex lofts a nice pass for Yao Ming. Unfortunately, Joshua Morgan is the intended receiver and he forgot to bring his ladder into the huddle. Another inaccurate pass results in another punt.
• The Niners and Bengals are doing everything they can to give the Red Zone Channel producers an easy day.
• Niners start the next defensive series with an offsides penalty. These are the little things that make the 49ers a bad team. Of course, they also have plenty of big things (like their ownership and quarterback) that also make them a bad team.
• The defense holds and the offense gets the ball with another long field in front of them...
• I'd pay good money to see the robot in Real Steel destroy Cleatus.
• Nice work by the offensive line on first down, getting into the backfield before Frank Gore touches the ball. And yes, I'm being sarcastic. 
• Of course Alex Smith would run a bootleg on second and long, and of course Nate Clements would nearly knock his head off, and of course Chilo Rachal would be called for holding on the play. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 San Francisco 49ers.
• Jonathan Goodwin pulls up lame. If he can't go, somebody is going to have to step up in his place and let the opposing nose tackle into the 49ers' backfield.
• Aaaaand, another false start by the 49ers' crackerjack offensive line.
• Aaaaand, another 3rd-and-long sack. Lee's punting out of his own end zone. Hope he goes back to the bench and describes it in detail in case the offense wants to know what an end zone looks like in this stadium.
• Good to see Ahmad Brooks get loose for a bone-jarring sack of Andy Dalton. I like the schadenfreude of watching other quarterbacks get clobbered.  
• Meanwhile, in an alternate universe where fans get to root for good quarterbacks, Tom Brady has just thrown his third TD pass of the first half while nearing 200 passing yards. 
• Nice 3rd-down completion to Davis - who walks off the field with a slight injury. Only 25 more yards to reach midfield!
• Only 30 more yards to reach midfield after another false start penalty. The 49ers' offensive line is clearly spooked by this rabid Bengals crowd.
• Delanie Walker once again reminds Alex Smith that his hands are attached to his arms and not at the end of his legs. 
• Here we are at the two-minute warning - and the offense is still 10 yards shy of crossing midfield for the first time today... 
• Some guy named Crabtree just jumped about 8 feet into the air to grab an errant Smith pass.
• 3rd and 2? Harbaugh dials Jimmy Raye, who tells him to run the old bell cow up the middle. The play results in a loss of a yard and the 49ers will close out the half without crossing midfield. Against the Bengals. The Cincinnati Bengals. Yes, you read that correctly.
• Booing? Really, Bengals fans? REALLY? I seem to have forgotten about your lofty expectations for your team.
• When the other team's fans are booing their home team after shutting you out for the first half, what does that say about YOUR team?
• I need to re-think this whole "live blog" thing - I'd be better off live-blogging paint drying.

3rd Quarter

• After a first down, Smith tosses another laser to a receiver's feet. I guess I took all of those years watching DeBerg, Montana, Young and Garcia hit receivers in stride for granted.
• While waiting to see if the Niners lost this fumble, I should point out that Goldstar has plenty of discounted tickets available for the next home game against the Buccaneers. We have a strong candidate for the first 49ers blackout in 30 years.
•  Some guy named Crabtree just dropped a third-down pass that would have given the Niners a first down past midfield. Instead, it's another punt and the 49ers' offense has yet to reach the 50-yard line after 35 minutes of gameplay.
• The winner of this game is going to look back on today and realize THAT'S when they blew their chance to draft Andrew Luck. 
• Attention: do not adjust your TV set. The 49ers have crossed midfield after some guy named Crabtree caught an 8-yard pass.
• A nice pass to Davis puts the 49ers in a 1st-and-goal situation. Here comes three Frank Gore runs - but not before a timeout is burned!
• Whoops - spoke too soon - Joe Staley gets manhandled and allows a sack.
• Some guy named Crabtree grabs a touchdown pass in the endzone - but not before he stepped out of bounds. Not only is touchdown taken off the board, but it's a 5-yard penalty. It's never easy with this guy.
• Three straight penalties. 
• How bad is it when THE ENTIRE OFFENSIVE LINE is called for a false start? How is that even possible? Wouldn't that be a "true start?"
• After running approximately 17 plays following first-and-goal, the mighty Niner offense settles for a field goal. 3-3.
• Dare I mention the possibility of overtime, thus giving both teams an opportunity not to win this game? 
• Frank Gore's blocking about as well as he's running these days... 
• And the 3rd quarter ends with the Giants and Reds tied at 3.

4th Quarter

• Jim Mora Jr. "coached" Steve Young? Where, in the Twilight Zone? I don't recall #8 playing defense.
• Holding, offsides, false start. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. 
• Well, the GOOD news is that Frank Gore will retire as a Niner. The BAD news is it won't happen for another three years. 
• Double Live Gonzo! Nugent makes it a 6-3 game. The Niners desperately need to get some runners on base. 
• What happened. I was folding laundry. Seriously. I see the Niners have a first and goal, so naturally Gore runs for one yard. 
• Kendall Hunter shows some explosive speed and dashes into the endzone - TOUCHDOWN!  So why isn't Frank Gore doing this? Seems kind of strange that the holes open up for Hunter and not for Gore, right? And yet, that's what we've been hearing - there are no holes for Gore, but #32 finds one on every carry.
• And now, it's up to the defense to protect a late lead again. So far so good as Carlos Rogers picks off an Andy Dalton pass. Unbelievably, it's the first turnover by the Bengals this season.
• Maybe those holes aren't opening up for Hunter, either.
• I was just about to write that the offense now has a chance to put this game away - and they promptly run twice for zero yards, setting up another 3rd and long. 
• Ah, yes - the old "run the reverse to the tight end for negative yardage" trick, which nearly takes them out of field goal range. 
• When given the opportunity to close out a victory, the 49ers' offense failed to pick up a single first down. Or a single yard.  
• Now, they're burning timeouts - they can't even line up for a field goal after an injury stoppage. Ridiculous! That is bad coaching. Plain and simple.
• David Akers bails out the offense and coaching staff by nailing a 53-yarder. 13-6.
• Apparently, I jinxed Tom Brady - he's thrown 4 picks since I mentioned him during the 2nd quarter. I should start blogging about the Steelers and Packers, too.
• And the game is back in the hands of the 49ers' defense. This is where they were torched last week, and two quick completions by Dalton put the Bengals into Niner territory at the 2-minute warning. 
• Make that three straight completions. Bengals nearing the Niner 35. 
• Make that four straight completions. Unfortunately for Dalton, the last completion was to a guy in a Niner uniform as Reggie Smith dives for the pick. 
• The play, naturally, is under review. NFL action - it's fan-tastic! After review, the interception is upheld.
• And now the Niner offense tries to burn a timeout, but they get a "too many men in the huddle" penalty. This is the second time this quarter that the offense has been caught unprepared following a lengthy stoppage in play. Somewhere, Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary are saying "I told you so - it's not as easy as you think, trying to get these idiots to get their act together."
• With ball control being the main objective, the Niners choose to keep Hunter in the game instead of the ol' bell cow Gore. When's that contract up, again? 
• This will be the longest eight seconds in the history of the league. Just get this awful game over with so I can follow all of the excellent games going on right now on the Red Zone Channel! 
• Nobody can over-think a situation like Jim Harbaugh. I guess that's a pleasant change--up from the strategy of "under-thinking" that we saw during the Singletary era. 
• Safety. 13-8.  Yes, this game is still going on. 
• The ensuing free kick mercifully ends this tedious contest. The Niners escape with an ugly win and their reward is to spend the upcoming week kissing York family ass in Youngstown. Despite this lackluster effort, San Francisco's chances of stealing a win in Philly next week look a little better after Michael Vick suffered a broken hand earlier today.